


Her Heretic Hymn Book

by smaragdbird



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening
Genre: Denial of Feelings, M/M, mentions infidelity, nathaniel reads his mother's diary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-16
Updated: 2016-03-16
Packaged: 2018-05-27 01:44:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6264643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smaragdbird/pseuds/smaragdbird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nathaniel finds his mother's diary and learns an awful truth</p>
            </blockquote>





	Her Heretic Hymn Book

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [this ](http://dragonage-kink.livejournal.com/8033.html?thread=36481377#t36481377) prompt on dragon age kink

“I would have thought you know every dusty crook and cob-webbed corner of this castle”, Anders complained when they made their way through another old part. The Commander had told them that the recruiters would be back soon and they needed more space for the new Wardens.

“No one asked you to come.” His family had never spent much time in Vigil’s Keep. His mother had preferred Denerim and his father Highever. 

“But then you would be alone and bored”, Anders grinned. “Not to mention swamped in rats if Sir-Pounce-a-Lot wouldn’t keep them away.”

“Yes, because your cat is such a talented mouser.” Nathaniel’s voice was dripping with sarcasm.

“Did you never have a pet?” Anders asked leaning down to stroke his cat’s back.

“No.” His mother had owned a mabari, chestnut brown that she had called Adalla. Thomas had gotten a mabari from their father as well but never really cared for it or anything once he had it and the mabari had run away one day and never returned. Delilah had liked to go to Arlessa Isolde’s garden whenever they were in Redcliffe to hear her Orlaisian songbirds but she had never asked to have her own even though their father would have given her everything.

“There was a cat in the Circle. If it hadn’t been for him I would have made a deal with a demon just to have some company”, Anders quipped. 

“A year confined to a single room? I wouldn’t have made a single month”, Nathaniel said.

“The Templars probably hoped for that but then six escape attempts should have taught them how stubborn I am”, Anders grinned, striking a pose as if stubbornness was a particularly heroic virtue.

Looking at their lives maybe it was.

/

He recognised his mother’s handwriting that filled page after page. The first one was dated a few months before his parents’ marriage. Nathaniel closed the book immediately.

“What is it?” Anders asked, looking up from a dusty volume of travel logs.

“It’s my mother’s diary”, Nathaniel turned the book over in his hands. “I should burn this.”

“Don’t want to discover the sordid truth about the state of your parents’ marriage?”

“I don’t need to read her mother’s diary for that. My parents hated each other. They made that plain as day for every single day of my life.”

“You know each time the Commander talks about his childhood I’m wistful and each time you talk about yours I’m actually glad I was raised in the Circle”, Anders quipped.

Nathaniel saw it as the attempt to lighten the mood that it was and gave him a tight smile.

“I should not read this. My mother deserves her privacy.” But he didn’t let go of the book.

“Give to me then, I can tell if anything interesting happens in it. Of course there’s probably a lot of embarrassing stories about you in here.”

Nathaniel sighed. “Why do I even bother?”

Anders gave him an unrepentant grin. “Because without me your life would be boring and monotonous, not to mention lacking one good looking man.”

Nathaniel almost, almost smiled. He still took his mother’s diary with him. 

/

He left it on his nightstand, tempted to read it but still wanting to respect his mother’s privacy. Not that they had been close. His mother had been distant to all her children and had showed approval or affection for anything they did. It had been Adaia who had given him that. Nathaniel’s heart clenched in his chest just thinking about her. Perhaps, if he had only come home a few weeks sooner...he shook the thoughts from his head. At least Samuel had made it and Delilah. He still had some family left.

Nathaniel took the diary and started to read.

/

The other Grey Wardens only had to take a look at his face the next morning and knew to avoid him. Anders however had no such reservations but then the man lived to poke things until they exploded.

“Morning”, Anders said as he sat down and immediately started to devour his bowl of porridge while Nathaniel had barely touched his. “Let me guess, you read your mother’s diary and didn’t like it.”

“Loghain is my father.” It felt strange to think about it and even stranger to say it out loud.

Anders waited for him to continue.

“My mother…her journal leaves no doubt about it.”

“I guess that explains why your father didn’t like you”, Anders said lightly. “Which is highly unfair if you think about it considering no one asks to be born the way they are or who their parents are but that’s the world for you.”

“You simply cannot resist comparing us to each other, can you?”

Anders shrugged. “So what if Loghain is your father? What does it change?”

“It changes everything.”

“Congratulations, your father isn’t the power-hungry, ruthless late Arl of Amaranthine, he’s the power-hungry, ruthless former Teyrn of Gwaren. Your situation is looking up.”

Nathaniel took a deep breath. “Has someone told you that you’re infuriating?”

“Roughly once per day since I learned to speak”, Anders said, sounding pleased with himself. “But I made you smile, didn’t I?”

“You’re imagining things”, Nathaniel said but he could feel the corners of his mouth twitching.

“I’m right and you know it”, Anders laughed, but then his face grew serious again. “Loghain is coming to the Keep soon enough. Do you want to talk to him? Does he even know?”

“According to my mother he does.” Nathaniel felt the weight of this revelation weigh heavily on him. “I think maybe that is why he let my father get away with so many atrocities during his reign.” Nathaniel cared less whether Loghain knew than whether his father had known. His mother’s diary hadn’t offered any evidence for that. Before, he had thought that his father favouring Thomas over him had been normal, just like Uncle Bryce had favoured his younger child as well. But maybe it had been because his father had known all along that Nathaniel hadn’t been his son. Maybe that was why he hadn’t opposed him leaving Ferelden or why he had never spoken of Nathaniel’s inheritance.

“Nate”, Anders interrupted his thoughts. “Sitting here brooding won’t help. Eat your damned breakfast before I do for you and then you can drag me out into nature to lay traps or hunt deer or whatever it is you actually do around here.”

“Don’t you have some recruits to train?”

Anders shook his head. “I traded with Velanna. She delights in the opportunity to put the fear of the Dalish into those kids. I can only scare them with the Circle and since they’re all from Circles...”Anders emphasised his hopeless situation with a gesture that almost resulted in him hitting Ser Pounce. “Sorry, sweetheart”, Anders told his cat and scratched him behind the ears.

“You spoil him”, Nathaniel pointed out but he couldn’t help but look at the pair fondly. Anders genuine affection for his cat was refreshing.

“I love him. He deserves to be spoiled.” Anders conjured a small sparkly light and let Ser Pounce chase after it. “But back to my question. Are you going to talk to Loghain?”

“I’ll have to.”

“Do you? Why?”

“That’s exactly it. I need to know why. My mother doesn’t sound as if she loved him. Then why would she betray my father?”

Anders shrugged. “Companionship? That nose being actually indicative for something? By the way, is it? Since you seemed to have inherited that.”

Nathaniel dropped his face in his hands to hide his exasperation but also to hide his smile. He had a feeling that Anders would never let him live it down if he actually started laughing at his jokes.

“Is that a yes or a no?”

/

“You wanted to talk with me?” Loghain asked. He had arrived earlier that evening and spent most time with the Commander and Sigrun. It was a simple overnight stay and he would be on his way to Orlais by this time tomorrow.

“Yes.” After Anders had made the joke Nathaniel could recognise that Loghain and he did share the same nose, the same straight black hair as well and a similar built. 

“Is this about your father?”

“I found my mother’s diary.” 

Loghain froze for a moment but then he said, “I see.”

“My father knew, didn’t he?”

“I think you know the answer to that question.”

“Why?” It was the one question that mattered and the one question that had no good answer.

“Why what, Nathaniel? Your mother and I were both married to someone else and unhappily so but you already knew that, didn’t you? There was nothing either of us could have done.”

“Did you love her?”

“No. And she didn’t love me either.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

“That I’m your father changes nothing. You’re still the same man you were before.”

“I was a Howe before.”

“You still are. The years Rendon raised you didn’t just magically disappear. You are not my son, Nathaniel. Not in any way that matters.”

“Is that all you have to say?”

“Don’t repeat our mistakes, Nathaniel. Tell the world to go and fuck itself and marry the person you love, no matter how unsuitable the world says they are, no matter what greater good is at stake. The worst regrets come from making yourself unhappy.” Loghain leaned back. “Now you’ll excuse me. The journey to Orlais will be tiring and I intend to get one last good night’s sleep.” 

“Who did she love?” Nathaniel asked as Loghain was almost out of the door.

“I don’t know”, Loghain said and left.

/

“Nathaniel”, Anders said surprised when Nathaniel came into his room unannounced and without knocking. Ser-Pounce jumped from the bed to greet him by prowling around his legs. For some inexplicable reason Ser-Pounce was very fond of Nathaniel. “Didn’t go so well then, did it?”

Nathaniel didn’t answer. Instead he crossed the room, took Anders’ face in his hands and kissed him. Of all possible outcomes of Nathaniel’s talk with Loghain, Anders had expected this one the least. Not that he minded. It was just unexpected.

“Do you mind?” Nathaniel asked huskily as if he hadn’t just made Anders’ knees go weak.

“Nope”, Anders grinned and tugged Nathaniel towards his bed. “I’m feeling like giving Loghain some flowers for whatever he told you.”

Those had obviously the wrong words to say because Nathaniel stiffened. “Anders, wait.”

Anders could kick himself for opening his mouth. But instead of leaving, Nathaniel only pulled him into his arms again. “I don’t want this to be only one night.”

Those had been the last words Anders had expected. He was a mage, an apostate even. No one had ever wanted him around. “How many then? Two nights, three months, til death do us part?”

“The latter preferably.”

“You may need to tell me that a few more times, just so I can believe you”, Anders managed to say, his throat and chest feeling strangely constricted and dry.

“I can do that”, Nathaniel promised him.

“Good”, Anders swallowed. “Just so you know, even if we don’t have sex I’m not letting you leave without another kiss.”

However instead of a kiss Nathaniel gently pushed Anders on the bed. “Who said anything about leaving?”

**Author's Note:**

> Find me [ here](http://smaragdbird.tumblr.com/) on tumblr


End file.
